Saturday, August 22, 2009

We The Women

Relationships fulfill our very basic need : companionship. And, relationships are also something that need constant work to go on. In his last post, Dhruv enumerated some male faux-pau. It got me thinking about yet another important part of a relationship : equality. And, being the feminist that I am, I think both the gender need to accept responsibility of how the relationship is going. So, we the women also need to understand where we go wrong, too. I tried a few things :

1) Does He ever understand/ Think/ Feel ? : After a fight, women usually complain of the guy's super-sonic brain speed. The common pattern of cribbing is " he never understands what i feel and think." Well, gals, i guess the synapses in emotional areas form a bit slow in them, but then they do. Thankfully ;). Only, till the time the bell rings we are too pissed off to talk about it.

2) The Verbal Language Expression: Most females are better in communicating. This owes to better communication between two halves of the brain. And, expression of love in most of the females has variety. The guys get chastised when they donot match our level of expression. " If i can do it, why cant he? " Well, the fact is, they cannot match our levels , it would be such a waste. So, we need to moderate our expectations. They do it when it really matters ( only, mostly and hopefully ).

3) Catastrophising and Overgeneralizing : So, if you are seeing a guy whose expression of love ( or absence of it) gives you a heartburn , you will tend to catastrophize. We all know how well they express it when there is a chase to acquire you but then there is a steady decline. And, we start thinking that the guy doesnt love us as much. Well, if the guy is really into you, better look for expression of love in kind or acts, you"ll se plenty. Words are just one way to express. May be, OUR favourite way.

4) Assuming men are sex-starved animals: If we have had a bad experience in the past, chances are great that we"ll have problems in developing trust in a future relationship. Well, don't we all always say " I know what he wants " . This holds true especially when we are simultaneously feeling lack of tending to our emotional needs. I donot say men dont want sex from you. Poor things, just say wrong things at the wrong time, or so I feel. And that gets US going for sure. Only in the wrong trajectory. A true guy will make you comfortable, they do.

5) The Grapevine : Ahem.. We the females are social animals at the higher order I guess. Most of us discuss our boyfriends in great detail. And, also what we do. Sharing is a good thing , I know. And, all the things we cant tell you guys, we tell that to our girl friends. And, if we need to fume ( more ) and do an activity called " name calling ", we enjoy it better with our GFs. And, I accept we fell great after that. But, yes, its not always a great thing. We must know how to edit and with hold information - and yes- like good guys do.

6) Over-Analysis : When we face a problem in our relationship, we involuntarily take the responsibility of fixing it. Actually speaking, I dunno if the problem will be solved ever if we leave it upto you ( I think so :)) ) . And, in the process of reaching the solution we reach a stage where an issue has been pulled and examined thread-bare( with GFs' assistance ) and beyond recognition. Please lets give our important and precious brains some rest!! I am sure, the world needs us for better things :))

7) Compromising too much : As females we are more programmed to adjust and mould ourselves according to needs. But we to tend to over do it, forgetting what we used to be. A friend of mine, a very chirpy, outgoing girl became a complete recluse, always glued to her phone.With poor sleep and eating habits, she started even looking different. And more changes followed. I do question if we would want to change ourselves beyond recognition. Many girls do. Love yourself and then think of loving someone else.

8) Plethora of Details : We are definitely more verbose, descriptive and attentive to details of just about anything. And when we talk, we talk to explain it all. Needless of the need of the hour. When we are talking to our female mates, this works well. And, many times the guy will also endure being so in love. But, yes, it would be better for the guy's health ( and ours' ) if we do watch the time and mood. Guys never never can care less about so much detailing that we do. They just nod, watch next time carefully. But, just let it pass.

9) The Silent/ Sulking Treatment : Expression of anger on the guy predominantly takes two forms : Silent or Sulking. And of course if we have been hurt ( esp when the guy forgets important days; so characteristic of guys ) this will follow. But, we again tend to over do it, hold it to our hearts and bring the issue again in the next fight. Its so natural to react like this but of course doesnt help anyone. Try more productive ways of resolution of feelings. And, try and let go faster ( very difficult for us, i know ).

10) The Emotional Atyachaar : Now, I dont want to make fun of the times when we cry and give a philosophy lecture when we feel emotional. But, in retrospect I think we can do without it. As if the guy can understand and assimilate half the things we say. And, anyone changes if you say? They change when they need to ( applies across gender, age etc) . So, here is one indication that we save our breath. And my experience tells me ( dunno if others agree), the real guy is at sea when we cry. Poor thing, doesnt know how to react, what to say or do. He is just totally in the state of shock. And , we dont help them either, rather complicate the matters by shrugging and shunning them. So, its like wanting the thing we dont want right now. Well, even i didnt know how to handle this.

Well, I think I understood this after making these many mistakes in my relationships. And, worst is that all of us keep repeating them. But, understanding problems is first step towards problem resolution. With this post, I intend to help us all understand how contribute to our own problems. I am no expert at solving them ( rather worse) but I am beginning to try and introspect. And, my last word is, whatever we say or do, we are incomplete without these people we love and cherish. So, hold them with gratitude and respect.


Tarun Wadhwa said...

Hey, Being a guy I can say this is alot true, especially the last point. How I know its all true? Well I have many female friends who share their stuff with me about their boyfriend(s) so I have a good idea about the possibilities of a girl's reactions. The point is not that how understanding guys are or not, how overexpressive and pestering girls are or not, the idea is, this bridge called love can only survive if both the ends meet, it might shake & swing at times, reason could be anything, but it can survive provided the the ends are strongly built on the ground of trust, understanding and compatibilty.

gauri said...

well watevr u wrote its absolutely true n upto the mark.. being a girl i too agree that sharing is sumthing which all girls like.i must say if this is ur first write up its really very nice...i am enjoyin to read all this ..

Anonymous said...

What is this blog becoming....all the recent posts are about relationships,men,women.....why don't you start an "Ask Dhruv" cloumn in a weekly?!

Dhruv said...

Very nicely written... Hoping for more gems

Anil said...

Okay Nice...But Dhruv its too lengthy man try to shorten bog next time... Dhruv leave Sita Ram Stories now try some thing different that will be really nice...Else u rock...

Dhruv said...

Nice expression: Sita Ram.
Hopefully Abhineet will write something about stocks and debentures soon.

stanzin said...

I've seen it many times women trying to get through to men and failing miserably. Why do you think that is? Continuing on with the post!

1. Men are not emotional creatures. Sure we have emotions but we aren't influenced by them nearly as much. Some are more emotional than others but most of the time we react in a less emotional manner. This creates conflict because of the apparent lack of caring. It's not that we don't care, its that we don't get what all the fuss is about. Calmly explaining yourself is always a better solution.

2. Men take things literally. If you say don't buy me a present, to us that doesn't mean buy you a present. If you say you don't care (even if you do) it means you don't care to us. Say what you mean for the love of god.

3. Men need more alone time than women or we go clinically insane. For some it's a trip to the garage to work on the truck / car. For others it's a good video game or sports match. Don't think this means we don't like being around you. Many times some of us need a few hours by ourselves. Don't worry your pretty little head you will see him again!

4. Men communicate differently than women. We are more straight forward with the way they say things. We may say something we mean one way and women throw it all out of proportion. (this has happened to many a guy)

Imprints said...

@ Stanzin

Thanks for your elaborate comments. I appreciate.

Sanket Vasa said...

Nice blog post..very accurate assessment of the things where man-woman disconnect shows up. If only ALL women realised, understood and took care fo these points :-D .Only suggestion would be to keep it a bit short...was too long for my liking.

Imprints said...

@ Sanket

Thank you Sanket. I appreciate what you said about the length, i"ll take care next time. You know very well its an inherent problem with me :)

Manish said...

These days women just think about money... Love is for the time before marriage.